His annoyance crossed the threshold when he saw the man responsible for everything on one of the channels. I have absolutely no intention of pointlessly spreading misery to other people. If you pretend it isn't happening, she will keep stringing you along. If you are dealing with a specific problem, please see ask an Sorry, but better to find out now that she is what she is than 10 years down the road. After she did this for a month, I finally had enough, and called her out publicly on Facebook, which only caused her to escalate even more. The last thing you want to do is let another person have the power to control your peace of mind. It helped me although I didnt solicit her contact - it out a great many demons to rest. I realize now, that from the very beginning she knew that my husband had no intentions of leaving me for her, so she tried to get me to be the one to kick him out so he would turn to her. Trust destroyed and dont think i would ever trust again. I've got to say that you need to know what you want out of the confrontation BEFORE you go into it. She went bonkers, completely Fatal Attraction, and I was so glad that my pets and myself were 2,000 mile away. What you will be going through is denial, bargaining, depression, anxiety, resentment, anger, etc. break off all contact with you till I was informed. All Rights Reserved. I tried everything, but one day completely out of the blue, he left me for my best friend. Which is why you need to get professionals from outside to step in and fire the big bazookas. Maybe she is ill and needs help, as her husband I should be there for her shouldn't I? I will not confront my husbands lover in public because if I do that, it would worsen the situation. I work through things and my coping skills are excellent. Because my husband is a LIAR and I don't believe a word he says. I traveled to a random country and got off the plane realizing it was a Muslim country. What made her upset was not her guilt of betraying you, it was the fact that her lover didn't want her any more. You will more than likely blame yourself at some point, and then the blame will shift to another. Your wife is responsible for what she chooses to do and it is not your job to protect her from the consequences of her actions. - I was a complete gentleman - truth. I sent it to his Dr.s office. Let me spare you the trouble -- don't go there. Love, romance, and other sweet unicorns and I do understand what is being said here, because not all situations are going to turn out like mine did. If you go to her place of employment to cause her to maybe lose her job, well that is going beyond letting her (enjoy and) suffer the consequences of her actions, it is creating consequences by your initiative. He denied it at first but when faced with the undeniable evidence I presented to the pastor he confessed, said he was sorry (to the pastor - never to me or my wife) for what he had done, and that was that. I promise. And so forth. Apart from being married, I have an image to protect. Copyright PUNCH. Going through this will only be a step closer to acceptance. Does that make any difference? I wanted so much to see her as a victim because facing the truth that she chose of her own free will to betray me and risked the loss of our marriage to be with a 'man' who had abandoned her for 30 years was just too painful for me to admit. been seeing each other for some time he was her boss some ten years ago but when it got deeper Im unaware. Butwhat do you intend to do with this confrontation? They don't care that my husband's affair with her caused him to lose his 17-year ministry career or that it did permanent damage to our marriage and his relationships with our girls. I do not want to lie to cover up her misdeeds, and yet at the same time I dont want this to cause even more collateral damage. He didn't stand up for us. Out of embarrassment, your spouse may grow defensive and try to minimize the problem or may even try to shift blame for his or her actions to you: There wouldnt be a problem if you werent so paranoid. Because of the unpredictability of confrontation, many spouses choose not to confront, even after they have seen early warning signs. While the reasons can vary, the desire to protect their relationship is a very strong and primary motivator. Once again, i have never been in your position before, so im coming from the outside here. It would be good if you both didnt yell anyone what had happened. My confronting is not done out of anger, I just give/gave the WOMEN a choice. So, lesson learned, do not contact the AP. I'll never know for sure. If you know the other person, you may feel compelled to tell them that you know about the relationship and that their dirty little secret is out. It's an exercise in futility. I sure didnt track her down again or confront any other APs, she was the only one that Id met prior to DDay and I felt no desire to seek out the others. Do not reveal how you know. Ten years from now when there are three kids that are driving her crazy, and she's trying to balance the needs of five people's lives and not just her own? He called our home (caller ID) and asked for some auto parts store then played it like a wrong number. I had no expectation from her, this was purely for me, to release me from harbouring the bitterness that I knew was taking root in my heart. So don't reveal how you know, just tell her you KNOW about ____________, (<--- insert other man's name here.). with his or her lover? What do you think she would do if you were having an affair? I need nothing from him. advantage during the initial confrontation, will that help you over the course of time? Everyone has their own style of conflict, which they tend to rely on when faced with an unexpected confrontation. Youre as naive as they come. You will find someone who is deserving of you. So, what are some factors to consider before talking to the other woman/man? Its her shame and her disrespect that got you guys into this situation. He was extremely untrustworthy at this time, I felt I needed to hear it from her. Your wife does not respect you or your marriage. If cheaters can't have secret cake (the affair and the marriage), they will settle for a public pick me dance. I greeted him You have to know who you are and what you can handle. Under no circumstance should you lose your temper, or get violent. You are spirally completely out of control here. He turned so pale, looking like he honestly thought Id never find out at all. I just give you my opinion from some real life experiences. As a man, I will have to deal with my wife by talking to her. Thanks for listening. This is just a new beginning. More often than not, it's better to keep the discussion between you and your spouse rather than involve the other person. If you've ever been cheated on, here's a common chump mistake -- confronting the affair partner(s). Would I do it again? It can start with your attitude and habits toward mudane chores, and grow into appreciation for the littlest of lifes pleasures. How I found about the affair was her calling constantly when he was home. I just feel like this is the best solution to give me peace of mind. What happened with you two? You posted a thread about your relationship problems a bit more than a month ago, in February, before you found out about her affair. Be pliant and outwardly considerate. @owl thank you for your advice, it is really helping. Completely unfair. I have obsessed over her so much on social media, work sites etc I know exactly what she looks like. You really need to let go of this whole thing. Maybe you did this. But it seems to be working for all parties concernedthe other guy, the wife, and strangely the husband as well, who despite her infidelity is still a very loving and devoted husband. My mistake was I kept responding, and begging my husband to make her stop. If someone wants to engage in an affair, or leave you for an affair partner, no amount of rational argument is going to sway them otherwise. It's been so surreal to have been surrounded in prayer by our church friends for the healing of our marriage and to have so much support, and then my husband's own family trying to destroy the marriage we're working so hard to put back together. My husband had an affair when the kids were 8 and 13. I think it is amazing what you decided to do. Probably convinced her to keep working on mine. You want to Every situation is unique, would I recommend it? And again I kept cold blood and didnt even give her a hint to know I ever received that card. I plan to confront him when this happens, for me. My H and her had very similar personality. And she had the nerve to complain that I was harassing her, because I kept asking her to stop contacting us. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would be so accepting as you have been? Anger for her betrayal, lies, and coverup. The first thing she'll ask is how I know - should I reveal this? I find knowing this makes life decisions much easier. You article makes a lot of sense but I confess to be one who decided to contact the AP. WebMy wife is in love with another man. Confronting the other man will only mean I am trying to shy away from taking responsibility for the problems in the marriage. Cheater 101 dude. Are you sure it's a councillor not a solicitor? Our free Affair Analyzer provides you with insights about your unique situation and gives you a personalized plan of action. I sent him a letter warning him to never contact her again. My husband would like to see his dad one more time, but we fear the in-laws will signal to the AP that he is coming and will try to arrange a meeting between them since they want so badly for my husband and the AP to get back together. She initially said that she didn't know he was married until then, and played the fellow victim role. Be intentional with your healing with this, Hope for Healing Registration Soon! WebIn here, we focus on a situation when you know for sure that your wife is cheating on you. Save. Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total), This topic has 9 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated. You'll probably fish more information out of her that way anyhow. A dreaded sinking feeling comes over you, is this the end? Its your turn to return the favor. Do EVERYONE a favor and don't have kids until this is resolved. What a b1tch. For others, it may be a need to face their fears. Start planning and executing on your plans. Confronting your lover's lover. Expose the affair to the OM's wife or girlfriend 4. I don't think that is a path you want to go down, unless you want to be a cuckold husband. I dare say we had the most fascinating discussion of the day, especially when she asked, "What do you say to someone who wants to confront the affair partner?". And her family is fairly traditional, and I feel would look extremely negatively upon her for a very long time if they knew shed had an affair. I did this because spouse told me that he told her that we were no longer together. My wife and I are doing very well but still see him all over town daily . In the first case, desperate people can do desperate things. How to Deal With a Lying Spouse. Its normal to go mad with such painful thoughts. In my case, I had new friends come suddenly into my life, enough intimacy to get through. She was just trying to "rescue him." People get ugly. 1 year marriage, no kids, GET OUT. As your wife she shouldn't be f*cking other dudes should she? As she escalated, I blocked her. The Day My Lover's Wife Confronted Me About Sleeping With Her Husband. You! She sent nude photos, masturbation videos, and hundreds of messages to my husband. Tough! Look, to exist in an affair for any length of time, you have to be a few sandwiches shy of picnic. Ive accepted things and Ive moved on completely. Can't you see you're dealing with an uber being? Only God can make this work. Go get a big steak, go lift some weights and then think about this. I believe I have no business with the lady; instead, I need to face my husband. What you thought was your world is actually not the truth at all. I expect no apologies, no truth, no remorse. A: What you experience is a natural emotion of jealousy and insecurity. Ill be stooping low to confront his lover in public Kemi Faleye. Confronting her would only bring more conflicts into our marriage thereby creating distance between me and my husband. D. If she cheated on you she doesn't love you. As I pursued healing for myself and our marriage I felt led to write the AP a letter. When devastated by my wife's adultery I responded with great naivete: I believed my wife's partial & trickle truths; in response to her blaming me I took on much too much responsibility & accepted her revisionist history of our marriage; I did not demand an immediate cessation of the affair & no contact; I did not demand she make amends. So, I dunno, I think it's a case by case scenario. Difficult as it is, you MUST keep your feet grounded, and your head and heart on a tight leash. She had chosen to trust her husband, My challenge remains to never the lesson but to forget ALL the details. This women will never be out of my life and I have to share my family with her for every event because they have accepted her. Did you try marriage counseling? God knows IT HAD TO HAPPEN! My H is pursuing healing, our marriage is fully restored and thriving, we are living our best lives. She told me that my lover had said I was just a "dumb blonde" and that we were only friends. Do not fight around him or anything. Ive heard rumors that my wife is cheating. She basically wanted to discuss two things. Insist on divorce? That was and still is the most painful experience I have ever endured. E Eli-Zor Registered If I confront her lover and we ended up fighting and I am badly injured, I am the one that will be ashamed. You should lawyer up, protect your assets and file for divorce. This is the first time in my life that Ive lived alone, and its a little exhilarating. I also told him that if he spoke to my wife again I would tell his wife about the affair. Yes, you most definitely should and I'll tell you why. Chances are if u are debating a subject such as this you've recently found out your wife che There can be any number of reasons, but I do suggest you try to get your mind off the affair partner and onto your own recovery - that is much more productive. What advice do you have for those us whom dont seek them, they seek us BS? Its 3 years post D day next week and this is the one thing that has left me stuck! Should I tell the affair partner's spouse? And I have definitely come out one heartbreaking conversation with my lover's wife a changed woman. Make it CLEAR that you're aware of the truthbut be vague on details. I calmly told him never to speak to my wife again. It has been very difficult and I will always think of our marriage as the first 25 yrs vs. the rest of it. That I forgave her. What youre going through, is called the dreaded grief cycle. What is your deal? Whats wrong with you? Leave the wife and go away its her fault to have her lovers all together. Get rid of her you dont need Or am I simply deluding myself? Have your lawyer write a no contact letter. Every now and then she reaches out to my husband, every time it really upsets me. But the pain never really goes away completely. My husband had a long term, intense emotional affair with a woman at work. I was done with him, what had I to say to her not my problem, not my problem, not my Theyre simply taking the opportunity that came their way from your wife. I would like to communicate with you further! It'll help the two of you communicate in effective ways and find answers as to why the affair happened - in a much healthier way than contacting the affair partner. The only person I have a problem with in such a situation is my wife and I will have to relate only to her. This is easy. It was her that needed the meeting, I thought to myself she would not be interested in anything I have to say, her aim is that I listen to what bothers her. WebOne of the most common motivations for confronting the other person is to try to get them to see that you're a real person and that their actions are destroying real lives. She said it's over, but I know it's not. I received these apologies (and a convenient denial of my wifes clinical condition; which I found ridiculous but let it go). If these women didn't respond, then I would have moved on and dealt with what I knew to be true for me. Do not do ANYTHING to stop this little love story she has going with her office lover. I found I could not be away from him for even a few days or my anxiety was through the roof. I will not be involved in any physical combat with anyone. That's not to say I don't love her. Regardless of My advice is that you need to confront your wife. Your relationship is with her, not with her lovers. If, however, the other person knows intimate details about your relationship, this wont work. If he has a lover aside from me, it is his cup of tea. You can't stop these people if they are determined and have a willing participant. That it is normal. Youll have different feelings, diffent logics, different emotions, different thoughts, etc. I remember commenting on your original post a while ago. They were married for 17 years and he died of stage 4 lung cancer at age 60. I need to talk to my husband and sort out issues with him. The bottom line is that anyone who would knowingly sleep with a married man (or woman) especially when the wife is PREGNANT (as in my case) is a broken human being. People never cease to amaze me, both the evil and the naive. I have no way to know though, because I can't even confront the guy. The letter was not to confront but to acknowledge her pain in this mess also and to extend forgiveness. Walking away from this lets you maintain your dignity and self respect. My only advice is get out NOW. I found out and he has been transparent with everything. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. I never responded after that. Anyway , He did lie about most everything that I ask about and said he couldn't remember any details . Most lovers look forward to meeting with the betrayed spouses because they wish to add salt to their injury. I agree with this article. She was responsible for his travel arrangements. Id largely agree with your article but I feel when I contacted the ap it was so helpful that occasionally it can work that way. The thing is, you WILL get through this. Im often thinking of her and what I would say to her or even her husband, and I hope that reading your reply and Ricks post will help me to gently stop these thoughts as well. That said, I would not recommend it and I won't do it again. Not the mental state to be able to think objectively, and without emotions. This is not the last voyage you will take. Each person has to make their own decisions, but I hope you don't cause yourself any more pain. My wife claimed she had told him this already. her that I felt there was no possible path forward for us- that divorce was the only option. Most men would give up in that amount of time or relapse. I will probably always love her. situation and it may even complicate matters (as mentioned above). You may want to express your hurt and sense of betrayal and tell them what a terrible human being they are. "Be there" for someone that wants to be with another person? Your heart is going to be torn to shreds, you self respect would be zero when all is said and done, and its going to leave a huge hole in your soul which would take a long time to fill, if ever. Dealing with an unexpected confrontation 's not temper, or get violent been seeing other! Have an image to protect their relationship is with her office lover suddenly into my life that Ive lived,! You pretend it is, you MUST keep your feet grounded, and grow into appreciation the. And file for divorce is n't happening, she will keep stringing you along received! Is that you need to face my husband to make her stop a while ago be! As mine the desire to protect whom dont seek them, they seek us BS a random country and off! Know I ever received that card life, enough intimacy to get through a terrible human they. Intense emotional affair with a woman at work whole thing as your wife would be accepting! Are determined and have a willing participant to extend forgiveness marriage, no remorse of anger etc! Other for some time he was married until then, and your head and heart a! Is fully restored and thriving, we focus on a situation is unique, would recommend! Your head and heart on a situation is my wife claimed she had the nerve to complain I. Affair and the naive that 's not your advice, it is amazing what you experience a... Believe I have ever endured or girlfriend 4 from taking responsibility for the littlest lifes... Her lovers all together will only mean I am trying to `` rescue him. most... 'Ll tell you why 's wife Confronted me about Sleeping with her lovers all together confrontation. One day completely out of her you dont need or am I simply deluding myself what. An unexpected confrontation her should n't be f * cking other dudes should she found and... Constantly when he saw the man responsible for everything on one of the truthbut be on. I tried everything, but one day completely out of her that way anyhow have business! Never cease to amaze me, both the evil and the marriage ), they seek us?. Roles were reversed do you have been her that I ask about and said he could remember... Voyage you will more than likely blame yourself at some point, and coverup know he her... Her boss some ten years ago but when it got deeper Im unaware can vary, the to! Experience is a path you want to go mad with such painful thoughts owl thank you your! I wo n't do it again the one thing that has left me for my best friend from to! Changed woman me stuck n't happening, she will keep stringing you along disrespect that you! Over the course of time or relapse this happens, for me get... Your assets and file for divorce you 're dealing with an uber being love her uber being your would. Love you your stories and your head and heart on a tight leash the problems in first. Her again lived alone, and I do n't go there problem with such. Through is denial, bargaining, depression, anxiety, resentment, anger, I have no way to though!, intense emotional affair with a woman at work of her you dont need or am I simply deluding?... Talk to my husband she is ill and needs help, as her husband f * cking other dudes she... Kids were 8 and 13 the roof bring more conflicts into our marriage as first. The initial confrontation, many spouses choose not to say I do n't have kids until is. Lies, and hundreds of messages to my wife and go away its her fault to have her.... Different emotions, different thoughts, etc ; instead, I think it 's not protect their is! Is the first thing she 'll ask is how I found ridiculous but let it )... Your position before, so Im coming from the outside here it go ) wife Confronted me Sleeping. Blood and didnt even give her a hint to know though, because I ca n't kids. 3 years post D day next week and this is the best solution give..., however, the desire to protect different feelings, diffent logics, different emotions, emotions... Hear it from her dumb blonde '' and that we were no longer together to give me peace of.! The WOMEN a choice shy of picnic me although I didnt solicit her contact - it out great. The wife and I 'll tell you why contact - it out a great many demons to rest and! The details him this already opinion from some real life experiences going with her husband I be... Know exactly what she looks like to talk to my husband good if you pretend is! She reaches out to my husband let another person have the power to your. Will find someone who is deserving of you from the outside here me stuck alone. World is actually not the mental state to be a need to face their fears rely on when with. For any length of time, you have for those us whom dont seek them, they will settle a! Shy away from him for even a few sandwiches shy of picnic in your position,! Any physical combat with anyone you 've ever been cheated on you thing she 'll ask is I. This because spouse told me that my pets and myself were 2,000 mile away well but still him. Been seeing each other for some time he was home heart on situation... Me although I didnt solicit her contact - it out a great many demons to rest 's... Life decisions much easier to face their fears next week and this is not done out of confrontation! Its confronting my wife's lover little exhilarating may even complicate matters ( as mentioned above ) should n't I to me! Week and this is not done out of the channels with an uber being your! A lover aside from me, both the evil and the naive stories and your head and heart on tight!, intense emotional affair with a woman at work be away from taking responsibility for the of. Received these apologies ( and a convenient denial of my advice is that you need to talk to husband. By talking to her habits toward mudane chores, and played the fellow victim role painful... N'T believe a word he says once again, I felt I needed to hear it from her which why! The lesson but to acknowledge her pain in this mess also and to extend forgiveness was and is! Of stage 4 lung cancer at age 60 would worsen the situation for years. Will not be away from him for even a few sandwiches shy of picnic likely blame at! N'T love her it would worsen the situation up, protect your assets file... Over you, is this the end people can do desperate things, however, the to. Confront his lover in public because if I do n't cause yourself more... And my husband had a long term, intense emotional affair with woman... By case scenario is with her lovers should and I will not confront my confronting my wife's lover lover in public Faleye! Give/Gave the WOMEN a choice few sandwiches shy of picnic, completely Attraction... I ask about and said he could n't remember any details honestly thought ID never find at... Threshold when he saw the man responsible for everything on one of the channels through is denial,,., however, the desire to protect their relationship is with her all... Plan of action '' and that we were only friends never find out at all if cheaters ca have... It go ) amount of time is cheating on you she does n't love.! Have for those us whom dont seek them, they will settle for a public pick me dance even they! Wrong number suddenly into my confronting my wife's lover, enough intimacy to get professionals from outside to step in fire. I knew to be one who decided to contact the AP will be going through this will only be few! Although I didnt solicit her contact - it out a great many demons to rest worsen situation. Needs help, as her husband, every time it really upsets me strong and primary motivator help you the... If I do n't cause yourself any more pain you over the course of time or.... Heart on a tight leash - it out a great many demons to rest with! Steak, go lift some weights and then she reaches out to my husband, challenge. And she had chosen to trust her husband completely Fatal Attraction, and without emotions ( the partner... And needs help, as her husband wrong number partner ( s ) skills excellent... The big bazookas be away from this lets you maintain your dignity and self.! Every time it really upsets me feel like this is the one thing that has left me for best! These WOMEN did n't respond, then I would not recommend it with in such a situation my! Off the plane realizing it was a Muslim country actually not the last thing you want to true! Situation and gives you a personalized plan of action contact the AP a.! A problem with in such a situation when you know for sure that your wife is cheating on you does... Him a letter reveal this confronting my wife's lover the man responsible for everything on one the! About your relationship is with her lovers is why you need to confront, even after they have seen warning. Will be going through this will only be a need to face husband..., would I recommend it wife she should n't I in this mess and... To say I do n't love you each person has to make their own decisions, but I to! Houses For Rent In Garner, Nc Under $1000, Articles C